triadruid

With all the drama over non-childsafe posts, you'd think they'd have figured out that this post:

one more drink and i'll be gone.

from what i understand, mike reads my livejournal. i don't give a shit right now. maybe if he reads this, he'll understand why i am so mad at him right now.

last night he calls and i answer the phone. i am half-asleep, as i got less than an hour of sleep the night before. he calls me again a half-hour later demanding to know what guy picked up the phone earlier. IT WAS FUCKING ME, OKAY. seriously. nothing i say will convince him. i gave him my word and that is apparently not good enough. and he is SO MAD that a guy could have been answering my phone. what if i was in lynn and it was my dad? what guys would i actually feel comfortable enough with to let them answer my phone? my father and andrew. seriously now, come on. and the fact is, the goddamn fucking truth is that IT WAS ME. I ANSWERED MY GODDAMN PHONE. I WAS SLEEPING AND IT WAS ON THE BED NEXT TO ME AND I FUCKING ANSWERED IT. what the fuck.

i have no fucking idea why he is so convinced that i was cheating on him or some stupid shit like that. it's so fucking dumb. and it is hurtful that i give him my word, literally, and he just fucking rejects it like it's nothing. like i am some fucking untrustworthy bitch who is out to ruin his goddamn life. and i try to call him to talk about it, to get a chance to reassure him, and he picks up the phone and says "you better stop calling me." fine, if that's what you want, fuck you. seriously.

anyone who knows me knows i am crazy about him. this is so dumb. so i spend like two hours last night crying over the fact that my boyfriend apparently doesn't trust me, is content not trusting me, and won't listen to anything else. for someone who is supposed to care about me, he sure as hell quite easily treated me with complete disrespect. perhaps the most ironic part is that a week ago, as i explained to him that most guys i have dated have treated me like shit, he tells me that i deserve better than that. i am glad to see that he actually meant that.

i am still mad. i am still crying. this isn't fair. i haven't even done anything wrong and i am being accused and nothing i say can convince him otherwise.

so it comes to the point where i literally don't think i can deal with this. if it's always going to be like this, if he can't trust me, then what's the point? i am not even sure if there's anything that he could say now that would make anything better; i am genuinely hurt. i can't even think about it without crying. i feel like i mean nothing to him.

so i end with this. fuck you, you asshole, for accusing me of something, not giving me the chance to even defend myself, and making me cry. fuck you for not trusting me when you've had NO REASON whatsoever not to. fuck you for ruining my night. if this is how you really are, if this is how you really treat people, then you don't deserve someone who cares about you as much as i do.

probably should NOT have made it into their Latest Posts feed, linked to from their home page for non-logged-in visitors to the site. I cached the post just in case it's filtered later, not to spur on drama (I have no idea who this person is).

As

diermuid said yesterday, this is likely a knee-jerk reaction to Protect the Children crusaders, more than a business decision by SixApart's upper management or a "coding initiative" by their trained codemonkeys. But that doesn't mean I have to support or endorse it, or refrain from telling them what a bad idea it was.

However, since my paid account JUST renewed for another year, I'll probably avoid any knee-jerk departures myself, but see what the social networking site landscape looks like in six months or so. I like the functionality of LiveJournal, but the last year and a half or so have shown increasingly irritating/stupid business and corporate decisions. It's too bad their user stats are private now, I wonder what the actual exodus has been...