State of the Crotch address

[triadruid]

Since featherynscale made reference to it, I should catch everybody up on what's going on with regards to my sex life. To wit, I'm getting a vasectomy done, based partially on the fact that it's (much) cheaper for me to get snipped than it is for our household to continue paying for *2* sets of female birth control hormones. Condoms are cheaper, true, but the main reason is that none of us actually want to have children. I've got 7 siblings, for crissake, several of them young enough to be my kids, if you squint your eyes right. I've also got a godden-daughter, and enough nieces, nephews, and kids-of-friends to keep me satisfied in the "who shall I buy this annoyingly loud toy for" department for the rest of my natural life. :)

So anyway, this morning was my initial consultation with the doctor - Dr. Elkins at Research Medical/Urology, by the way. He's got a dry humor, a good bedside manner, and the worst medical documentary video I've ever seen in my life.

Whoever. Scripted. This. Video. And. Made. This. Poor. Man. Deliver. These. Lines. Ought. To. Be. Shot.

He looks like someone's got HIS balls in a vise under the desk, and is being forced to do this instructional video at blow-torch point, or something. It's that bad; the verdict is still out on whether the person in the video is actually Dr. Elkins at a younger stage of life or not. Still, once we got to the point where we were talking to a real live doctor, it went well. The only question I had was about the ways in which "recanalization" - spontaneous regeneration of the vas deferens - occurs. He had a good answer for this actually, which involves avoiding the weak point of the cut-it-clamp-it method by forming a 1cm scar on both sides of the procedure inside the vas, by the simple expedient of inserting a wire that heats up and causes the tube to scar itself shut. This is somewhat analogous to the Essure procedure for women, where they insert something into the fallopian tube, causing it to scar itself shut, except they still sever the tubes in men. I think this is a vast improvement, the way he explained it.

So I'm tentatively scheduled for August 25th in the afternoon, at which point I'll be on strict bedrest for a few days and then recuperating just before DragonCon, as it turns out. And they're giving me Valium. By the way featherynscale, I didn't have to use your "doctor's note", as the forms only have one blank for spousal consent, but you are listed on the "contact sheet", just below kittenpants as "wife", as "girlfriend". So that'll be fun for the intake nurse to figure out...

Comments

Lucky Stiff!!!

[teross50.livejournal.com]

Damn you get Valium??? and bed rest I just got the usual local block and Ibuprofen and an icebag post op LOL

I knew Elkins when I was at Research he is a skilled and I have every confidence you will be fine Even sooner than you anticipate

[fionnabhar.livejournal.com]

nodeal57 did not require more than a day of strict bedrest. For either vasectomy.

[beccak1961.livejournal.com]

That's what jim had. They burned the ends. The Dr really only did it because Jim is older than me (they tend to not want to do permanent solutions for younger people, but even though I was 23 Jim was 30) and because the Dr told me not to have any more kids. The Dr did tell us, as I'm sure they told you, that if they scar the ends chances of being able to get a reversal are very bad.

[beccak1961.livejournal.com]

And ice packs. Jim was sore, but he only had to stay in bed for a day... and we had to use condoms for... was it six weeks? To make sure everything was dead.

[rio-luna.livejournal.com]

congratulations on taking thisa step! bets wihes for speedy and comfy recovery.

Was that a faux pas? (There's an X in that, don't you know.)

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

Was I not supposed to say anything about it? I didn't think you'd mind since a) most everybody knows already and b) we've all spent the week reading about somebody else's sterilization. So I am sorry if I was giving offense.

But other than that (and the video, apparently), Good Times. I'm glad they didn't give you any crap. I didn't think they would care what I thought, but always good to have the option. And I'll try not to cause you too much stress at Con...except that will be in the stage where they want you using the equipment as much as possible, no? (grin)

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

Also, I assume that they won't want you to drive home after?
I'm reasonably certain I can take the afternoon off on the 25th.

[triadruid.livejournal.com]

If you'd like to be the one to drive me to and from the appointment, I think that would be not only very appropriate, but funny as well.

Probably have to be home ~2pm in order to get there by 3:30, and have taken the Valium already, been shaved and prepped, etc..

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

Well, I sort of assumed that kittenpants was not going to want to drive your car back :-P

I will finagle and get the time.

ce n'était pas un faux pas

[triadruid.livejournal.com]

Nah, no offense taken, you just beat me to the punch, which tempered my decision on whether to make this post public or friends-locked. No worries.

And yes, I didn't notice Con would be the next freakin' weekend, but assuming I'm healing well, by Friday I should be able to drive normally and be making tally marks on the hotel bedposts. :)

[triadruid.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I suspect either my age (30), or the office location (midtown, not suburbs), or the doctor's professionalism made it sail through easily. The biggest hassle was going down the hall to get a replacement referral slip from the doctor who sent me to the urologist... *rolls eyes at forgetting that, after looking at it this morning*

Re: Lucky Stiff!!!

[triadruid.livejournal.com]

Glad to hear you've got good memories of Elkins. He seemed like a thoroughly decent fellow, certainly one I'll let handle my balls.

[triadruid.livejournal.com]

All of the parameters seem to be expanded a bit since the video was made, so possibly since your husband went through his first procedure.

24 hours of bedrest, 48-72 before you should go back to a desk job (1 week for heavy-lifting), 1 week of no sex/strenuous activity, then 3 months & 20 ejaculations before your first sperm count, and another month after that for the second count.

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

Wait... three months *and* 20 ejaculations, or three months *or* 20 ejaculations? I mean, I imagine that the average bear manages to come more than 7 times a month, no?
(Four months is a really long time...)

Re: ce n'était pas un faux pas

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

by Friday I should be able to drive normally and be making tally marks on the hotel bedposts. :)

Yay!

Re: Lucky Stiff!!!

[teross50.livejournal.com]

yep he has a very good rep as a good doc and as a human being

Remember my story of the audience I had All the new office staff got to observe LOL I hope yours is not I really should have charged an admission and education fee LOL

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

OK -- can take the time off, no problem. I do have to use my personal time, since I was informed that by no stretch of policy are you a family member :(
Shows what they know.

AND.

[triadruid.livejournal.com]

I was surprised too, but better safe than sorry, right?

On the plus side, if I get the surgery at the end of August, it'll be a nice Yule gift to you and kittenpants to say "time to throw away the condoms", no?

[triadruid.livejournal.com]

Muahaha. We'll teach them...

thanks, I appreciate the offer, by the way.

[triadruid.livejournal.com]

Thank ya - see above for the Yule comment...

Re: AND.

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

I had just worked out the timetable on that, myself. And yes, that would be lovely. It's just a really long time from now. (pout)

Are they not sure they can get you in on that day?

[diermuid.livejournal.com]

You could just list them as wife, and domestic partner. Make sure to shorten the name though, to have them guessing as to what gender will come to pick you up.

I do that with Mik sometimes, referring to 'my domestic partner'. The funniest thing after that is seeing the faces when people realize I have a FEmale partner.

[fionnabhar.livejournal.com]

He only went through the two procedures a few months apart. It was the noticeable lack of fewer sperm that required the second one. God knows what got cut the first time. Nothing important, apparently. Whatever it was, it looked the same as what the cut the second time. I watched both times. And it still took almost eight months after the second one for his junk to clear out completely.

You just wouldn't think it to look at him would you?

Re: AND.

[triadruid.livejournal.com]

Nah, it's not that. I'd be missing a meeting on Thursday afternoon and on Friday morning for work, so if my boss doesn't approve the time off, I'd be pushed back to (I think) mid-September, seems to be the next weekend I can Do Nothing.

[triadruid.livejournal.com]

It's always the quiet ones... and no, I wouldn't have thought it to look at him, at first, anyway...

Harrumph

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

No, see. You're going in for surgery - they should have to give you time off for that. Otherwise, kittenpants and I will just have to go up there and tell them about how much longer they are making it before you can fuck us properly. This will be rightly percieved as DOOM, and she will give you the time off.

[fionnabhar.livejournal.com]

The doctor was pretty impressed. It was a record for him, and he went all around Kodiak bragging on him. Sheesh.

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

That is awesomely and sickly funny. Just so you know. I will be thinking of your husband's genitalia and giggling for days. (Not constantly, though - that would be rude. Just from time to time.)

[fionnabhar.livejournal.com]

Yep. I do it, too, if you must know. The stud took some sterilizin', and that's the honest truth. And I should point out that the problem was NOT that he didn't have the requisite number of ejaculations during what we now call the Year of Having to Catch It in the Tupperware Thing.